Lisa & Baby Tyrone

I’d like you to bring up an image of Vikki Pollard from Little Britain in your mind’s eye. Think chubby girl, blonde hair, too much make-up, dressed in pink.

This is Lisa.

She even talks like Vikki Pollard. Every conversation, every phone or text message begins with ‘OK. ….’. You wouldn’t believe how close the Little Britain character is to real life.

Anyway, Lisa was a sickly child, who grew into a sickly teenager, and then a sickly adult. You know the sort – always too tired to do anything, except going clubbing. She wasn’t hugely bright, but if she had paid more attention to her studies than to her eye-liner, she could have been something. Anyhow, she tried being a nursing auxillary for a while, but eventually it all became too much for her (you know, the getting up and going to work every day) and she went off sick.

For months

And Months.

Until finally they let her go.

I lost touch with her for a while, but then she turned up with LowlifeWaster, a lad who seemed less bright than her, who had promised her the world, but hadn’t really thought about how his plans would work out in real life. He didn’t have a job, but he’d proposed to her, and she’d accepted. In short, he was a Twat.

Having heard very little from Lisa for months, I suddenly got a message to say she was pregnant. Surprised? Me? Of course not. How long would Mr Twat stick around, I wondered……

Baby Tyrone was born in July 2006, and Mr Twat is still around. They’re waiting for the Council to find them a house, but in the meantime she’s started working in a shop for a bit of pocket money, and he’s found himself a job in a pub. I wonder what that poor little child will grow up into with role-models like that, but I remain guardedly optimisitc.

Badger bumped into Lisa in McDonalds this week. It was the first time he’d seen her in well over a year, and obviously the first time he’d seen the baby. Lisa appeared to have grown up a bit, he says. The responsibility of bringing up a child appears to have woken something up in the girl.

Lets try to hope so. Otherwise, she’ll be like Vikki, on her own with six or seven kids in a council flat, telling people that her situation is the government’s fault.

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4 Responses to “Lisa & Baby Tyrone”


  1. 1 Liz 22 December 2006 at 4:34 am

    Great post! Good luck to your friend.

    Thanks for the well wishes for the wedding, and have a great holiday!

  2. 2 Kingmagic 22 December 2006 at 8:14 am

    Twat?
    Really drunkenspaniel…I,m surprised at you, theres me thinking “shes a nice lady!” and you turn the air blue!

    But I do know what you mean. Is he a “daft twat” for being a lowlifewaster or is he a “stupid twat” for getting Lisa pregnant?

    Hopefully they will pull together and make it through all the crap thats bound to come. I know that usually it all falls apart and everyone suffers, but occasionally just occasionally some do make it.

    Fingers crossed.

  3. 3 drunkenspaniel 22 December 2006 at 8:27 am

    Mr Magic – you don’t know me very well, do you?!! I am a nice lady, but I am known for my straight talking….. I think in this context, ‘Twat’ means ignoramus. Its not so much the baby that’s the problem – its the fact they thought it would be OK to have a baby when neither of them had a job, anywhere to live or any kind of plan.
    I hope they manage to pull it off, but I won’t be terribly shocked if they don’t………
    Thanks for commenting, anyway!

  4. 4 Kingmagic 22 December 2006 at 2:17 pm

    I think I,ve noticed the biggest problem with a blog is that it is sometimes difficult to sense the other persons perception of what was said.
    I,m not sure if you,ve taken my comments the wrong way or if its me not thinking it through.
    I,ve read your blog and I know that you are a nice lady…..and a straight talker. x.


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