Archive for September, 2007

Dr, I appear to be suffering from Malapropism…..

I overheard this wonderful mis-use of a word, and rekindled my absolute adoration of such sentences. If only I could think of some better examples. Perhaps you can? If you can, please post them in comments for our entertainment!

I overheard the end of a conversation between Sheila and Pam in the office, and Sheila was saying “Oh, Pam, its really been quite carcinogenic having this conversation. I feel so much better now. ”

I think she meant cathartic.

Oops!  

*In case you’re not sure what Malapropism means, click here.

In Two Minds

I have reached that time in my new job that I reached in my old job, when I thought: “I hate doing this. I don’t want all this responsibility. I want to give it all up and work in Sainsbury’s”

But I talk myself round again, because I know the feelings will pass, and I’ll be ok in a few weeks time. And then I’ll be sure about what I’m doing, and I’ll be enjoying it again.

Right now I feel like I’m just treading water in the sea, while a storm is brewing. It wouldn’t take much for me to just stop thrashing about trying to keep my head above the waves, and just let the tide take me……

Maybe one day.

You couldn’t make it up….

I have been interviewing all week. When I say all week, I do mean all week. I quite like interviewing, actually, but enough is enough. Still, this little gem happened on Tuesday, and it has made me laugh since.

Alice was being interviewed for a job in which she would need to be really flexible with her working times, since the work could involve going out to employers who work shifts. Alice presented as a small, round woman in her mid-50’s with short brown hair and a determined face.

“Oh, flexibility isn’t a problem. I can do early mornings and late nights without any problems.” began Alice.

“I see you’ve asked to do this job part-time, Alice. Would full-time be a problem?” Asks the interviewer.

“Well, I do have some other commitments, and that’s the reason I only want to work part-time. My daughter isn’t a problem, she’s 18, can drive and is perfectly able to fend for herself. I just leave her instructions about what to cook, and she’s fine. ”

Fully expecting the conversation to go on to describe an elderly parent or relative, Alice being the sole carer and a long tale of woe to come, I was completely taken by surprise when Alice went on to say- “……Its my horse, you see. I currently share him with a friend of mine, but she’s having to give him up and that means I’ll have to take him on full-time from next month. At the moment I pay for full livery for the days when I’m in work, but on the other days I do all the stable-work myself – so I couldn’t possibly do a full time job. ”

How I didn’t laugh out loud I’ll never know.

Sleeping beauty

When we were young all we wanted to do was to be able to stay up late.

When we were a bit older, we did – and we regretted it at times, though we never ever let on.

Now that I’m an adult, all I ever want to do is go to bed early, and yet I find myself being kept up late doing important things which need to be done, when I really wanted to go to bed early.

What I wouldn’t give for a 9.30 bed-time again.

Spaniel xx 

Is it me?

I work in the wonderful world of people – otherwise known as Human Resources.

We’re often told that people are our greatest asset, but sadly, I’m beginning to think my coat-stand is a better asset than a lot of the people I’ve been meeting over recent weeks.

You wouldn’t believe some of the stories I could tell you. Obviously, like lawyers and doctors, I can only speak in general terms so as not to divulge too much about my work, but I think you’ll enjoy the following couple of tales. By the way – names, places, and a lot of the story has been altered to maintain confidentiality, but you’ll get the gist!

1) A lady who was taken on by my firm to work flexible hours from 7.30 am, up to 9pm to cover training needs of shift workers came to see me because ‘I can’t really work the two evenings I’ve been asked to work because i don’t want to leave my 14 year-old daughter at home on her own.’ I asked which nights she could do instead. She said that actually, she didn’t want to work evenings at all, and could she finish at 4 every day from now on? She seemed quite surprised when I said no, she’d either have to do the job she was contracted for, or resign.  

2) Very similar to case 1, Mandy started work in a  full-time job on Monday – she chose her own start date, actually. On Tuesday she didn’t come in, and no-one had heard from her. My assistant phoned her at home, and asked where she was. “Oh, ” She said “I can’t really come in the rest of the week as my kids haven’t gone back to school yet. ” OK, we said, when do they go back? Can you start next week instead? “Yeah, could do. But I fancy working just 9 til 1 each day. In fact, if you could just fit the work round me, that’d be great. ”

Yes, wouldn’t it just.

 3) Gordon is in a pool of people who are having to apply for new jobs due to a restructure, and he and 49 other people are all in a stressful situation waiting to see who gets a job and who doesn’t at the end of the month. The deadline for applications was the end of August. Gordon sent me an email yesterday. “Hi Spaniel, I know the deadline for applications for the jobs was actually 30th August, but I didn’t realise Geraldine Macauley wasn’t going to apply for the Area Manager’s position. Now I know she hasn’t applied, I want to send my application in now. Is that OK?”

No, of course it isn’t. The deadline is the deadline, for very good reasons in the interests of equal opportunity.

“But I have extenuating circumstances” said Gordon.

Really? What are they?

“My mother died in July”.

Yes? And how did that stop Geraldine applying for the position??????

You couldn’t make it up…….

Footballers’ Lives

I just don’t understand amateur footballers.

On the whole they don’t seem to have much in the way of useable brainpower. The only thing they’re concerned about is looking sexy on the football pitch, and they worry little, if at all, about their own health and well-being for any further ahead than this one fleeting moment……

Take the boy I saw today. He asked for some ice because his foot hurt. He’d kicked a ball or ‘toe-punted’ it, whatever that really means, and his foot started hurting. I could see it was swelling up. I asked him some more about what had happened, and discovered – to my horror – that he’d cracked a bone in his foot last weekend, and had it X-rayed at the local hospital. He’d refused the strapping, and walked (or rather, limped) out of A&E because he wanted to play football today.

I told him he was an idiot and gave him a bit of a lecture about today’s match being just a game – was he willing to gamble his future football-playing career for the sake of one single game?

Of course he was.

He grinned at me, the wide grin of irresponsible youth.

“Cheers, love.” he said

And limped away.

Muppet.